Am I glad I did it? Yes absolutely! Am I exhausted? Yes absolutely! The realisation hit me today at the end of year staff gathering, with all the prizes, speeches from the staff that were leaving, the thank you talks, and the BBQ. I was sitting in the school hall, looking around at all the other staff members thinking "I'm a part of this". I felt so proud of everybody in this amazing community that has welcomed me and other new members of staff over the course of the year. I'm so lucky that my first job in teaching is at such a warm, supportive and fun school and that I've made so many friends.
I feel like a different person. I messaged my mentor saying this, who has been incredible, and I don't say thank you to her enough. At the beginning of the year I was a tad fragile; the smallest problems escalated to the biggest ones; floods of tears would ensue in private and sometimes in front of others, where I felt the world was crashing down around me. But over time, I started to, well, not care as much. If I messed up, I said sorry, and I got it sorted out. I grew more patience. I grew more 'circumspect' as my mum used to put it, not focussing on the world-ending scenario but actually how I could solve the problem rationally. I grew more tolerant, and more understanding; I accepted ways of doing things that weren't my own, analysed my own behaviour and changed subtly for my benefit. My relationships changed, and became more productive, I said yes to things more, and worried about the 'what if's' later. In all, I RELAXED.
Growing up into a young adult at one hundred miles an hour wasn't good for my health. My body had been permanently wired to disaster mode. The palpitations I suffered weren't just nerves, but anaemia. My diet has gone downhill and I have put on weight which is slowing shifting. The physical sensations of panic and fear have long diminished to merely odd flutters now. I have a way to go yet, and will never be totally out of the woods, but I too have worked hard to acknowledge my flaws and made positive changes. The test now is the holidays, where after a week or two of relaxing the wobbles will kick in. This is proof to anybody who thinks it doesn't get better that it DOES and to keep faith. As Dory says, 'just keep swimming'. The water's just fine :)
